2012: It's a New Year of Transparency
I vowed on my personal blog that this is the year I would venture into the unknown of revealing more of myself. "Coming out" about my history with mental illness has been extremely liberating for me. I have learned so much from this community and the folks who've learned with me, taught me, encouraged me, and challenged me, I wanted to express my gratitude to everyone who has read my posts here, my Facebook updates, and Twitter posts. I may retain the Facebook and Twitter accounts for a while because I've collected some relationships there, and everything is dependent on being at the right place at the right time in the feed, so don't want to lose anyone.
It will be easier now, however, to blog out in the open. But, I will (happily) retire this Sleeper Freak blog, as I'm no longer blogging in the shadows. It's been tough evaluating when and how to reveal my history, and it probably didn't happen the way I wanted it to, but it happened nonetheless. And here I am. Please join me for conversations on my personal blog at my domain.
I'm just getting started and would love to have you join me.
An Inconvenient Truth: We are Still in the Dark Ages.
In the final analysis, I've come to accept the answers are not yet known regarding the precise science behind mental abnormalities. Seems like I could have acknowledged that in the beginning of the year and not explored this area at all. But, I'm glad I did. Further, I realized that I can only reliably view this area through the prism of my own experience. Recognizing that I am a focus group of one, my experience is just a random data point in a torrent of data that needs to be collected and analyzed before any meaningful insights can be gleaned.
To that end, I will report a few items I've learned. Some controversial; some maybe obvious.
- Not every professional who works at a pharmaceutical is evil. They are people just like everyone else. To boot, many of them honestly feel they are helping people. And the truth is, they are. For every anti-meds activist, there is at least one (and probably more) individual who feels psychiatric drugs help them. From my own experience, I know that when my ex-husband was taking Prozac, he wasn't depressed. He wasn't manic or self-destructive either. We had a chance at a "normal" life. So, there is some truth to the efficacy of these drugs. Is there corruption in the system? Absolutely. The onus to get this one right is on the professionals who dedicated their lives to treating people: the therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, etc.. A laziness and inexcusable complacency has taken over this profession. To change that paradigm, it begins with listening. Not listening for cues that lead to predictable treatment paths, but really listening to that person in your office. Changing the perspective from, "What's wrong with you?" to "What happened to you?"
- In my experience, a chemical change does occur. But, not from an errant gene pre-ordained in your DNA; it results from extreme and or chronic stress, as well as severe hormonal changes (women, primarily). How this directly affects the mind and leads to extreme states is where the science is sketchy. There is no denying for me that I've experienced multiple episodes of extreme states where I was detached from reality. Yet, for every one, I can point to a severe life stressor or hormonal change that triggered the episode. One therapist once told me my flights were almost dissociative. There is some truth to that. It was my mind's way of protecting me.
- On activism, one of the most grave and egregious sins surrounding this topic is the perpetual injustice and discrimination that faces every individual who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. This is the one area I will eventually participate in on an international level. It's hard for me to imagine any affected individual who has not felt the sting of stigma that surrounds this issue. If there is one unifying call to arms in this varied community, it is this one. But, I can't say I feel as strongly as I did early in the year regarding the anti-meds or anti-psychiatry cause for reasons I outined in my first bullet point. I had an interesting back channel discussion on Facebook with an individual who works in this area. He said, "My question would be why would the anti-psychiatry movement even care about psychiatry and Big Pharma. Just show individuals they have the right to make their own decisions, and leave it to the individuals to figure it out." I realized he was right. His chief complaint was that there is not a cogent "non-medical" model to counter the biomedical model, and I have to agree with him there. Not yet, anyway.
- Finally, I realized that this is indeed part of my life history, but it does not define me, nor does it celebrate me in any way. I'm very happy to have survived somewhat horrific ordeals and intersections with the mental health field, but it's only on the periphery of a much larger story. That story, and its lessons, are still unfolding for me. I've begun seeing a therapist where I am intent on un-masking all the ugly truths I've repressed for so many years. I'm allowing myself to face the pain and trauma, and eventually let my past go. It's disturbing, but I feel now is the time to do this. Underneath the root of my exploration, my psyche has been calling for closure this year more than anything else. I'm answering that call.
So, I leave 2011 more aware of how much we don't know regarding mental health. But I look to 2012 and beyond to provide the real scientific answers that explain what happens to our minds. How emotions and neurological chemistry combine to deliver such severe changes in behavior and thinking. If you've been a reader of this blog, or follower on Facebook or Twitter, I would love to hear any and all new scientific reporting that surfaces linking extreme states to chronic stress and hormonal changes. In the spirit of scientific discovery, I know the answers are there. I just hope they can be proven and accepted in my lifetime.
I came. I saw. I'm leaving.
My oldest daughter texted me last night and asked me for three words that described my experience here. I thought that was insightful of her to ask, so I felt I owed her an honest answer. My response was:
- Letdown
- Subculture
- Ambivalence
I realize that is harsh, but this about sums up my experience. And I feel I owe it to the very few numbers of readers of this blog to be honest, as well.
I started this blog in December 2010, just short of a year ago. I have blogged here intermittently, with post frequency increasing more recently as I was seriously considering going public with my history, as well as begin to work on some reform programs. This blog never really gained any traction, because I'm not really contributing any valuable help or advice. It's more like journaling, and that's not really very helpful for others who grapple with these issues.
I knew it was necessary for me to meet with people in person to absorb the vibe of this community. To grok the dynamics that drove individuals to seek out alternatives to prevailing mental health treatment and understanding. As a newcomer to this space, I saw a lot of problems and issues raised here at the conference, but I didn't see any real solutions. I didn't pick up on anything tangible that would be powerful enough to effect any serious change in the status quo.
One of the longtime members of ISEPP caught me by surprise when he related he had been doing this for over twenty years in some form or another, and then wistfully looked away and confessed, "We're still losing." Another one of the speakers from the sessions who delivered a compelling presentation, also conceded that nothing he or even Robert Whitaker (author of Anatomy of an Epidemic) has said or written has made a dent in the prevailing paradigm.
Pile those remarks on top of the tragic stories I heard, especially about early childhood psychotropic drugging, the conference started to weigh heavily on my heart. I started to feel the seeds of learned helplessness seeping into my subconscious.
But, that's not who I am.
I'm someone who rejects the victim label. I even reject the survivor label.
As I'm about to head back to my world where I'm safe, where I'm productive, and where I can make a difference in the small corner of the planet I've chosen to focus on professionally, I am going to continue to ponder how I will be involved in this arena going forward. At this juncture, to be frank, I'm not sure.
It's possible I may withdraw entirely secure in the knowledge that I have found my own exit from this maze/hall of mirrors that confuses and distorts reality enough to keep innocents trapped.
Or, perhaps the better path is to just include this experience as part of my journey toward self-empowerment and personal freedom. My interest in this area is fueled by my interest in being a role model for others who may still be caught in the maze.
My flight is going to board soon. I'll continue to ponder this on the way home. See you on the other side.
California Dreamin'
So, I'm headed to my first conference in this arena, ISEPP. It will be odd to attend a conference where I don't know anyone (really), and I'm unfamiliar with the vibe and most of the content. I even had to ask one of the volunteers what the proper dress code was.
I"ve been blogging a bit on Switchboard Susan. I will be covering the conference on Twitter at my Twitter ID: @MadskillzATX. According to one of the organizers, I may be the only one live-tweeting, but hey, it's a start. (As I've said before, one of the primary contributions I can make to this area is to help mental health professionals and consumers comfortable with social media). I hope to be able to blog a decent wrap up of my experience as well. I really, really hope the hotel and conference rooms have wifi. I just take it for granted at tech conferences, but truly it is something I'm sweating a bit.
I am very much looking forward to meeting Robert Whitaker in person. I've been pestering him about getting his social act together too. :-) I'll see if I can be more persuasive in person.
Today is World Mental Health Day 2011
It's time to peacefully push back against the "label, label, label, drug, drug, drug" bullying of the mental health system, that is globalizing as never before. A good day to do that is October 10, which is World Mental Health Day.
I've been busy with my day job, as well as the endless chores that go along with being a single Mom. So, regrettably, I have not been able to focus on this blog or my research.
Additionally, there are a number of conflicting factions within the mental health reform movement that have been complicating my understanding of this area:
- There are those in the reform community who adamantly disavow the use of psych meds for any reason
- There are those who believe psych meds can be helpful to some people in the right circumstances
- There are those who adamantly believe only psych meds hold the answer to mental health
- There is a very large population within the mental health consumer community who live on federal government disability payments
- There is a support network that survives on government funds, grants, and the disability eco-system
- There is a biomedical establishment that rewards profits over solutions
- There is widespread stigma, discrimination, ignorance, and prejudice regarding mental illness throughout the globe
- There are very few advocates for change with real social or political clout (not tied to an economic interest).
- Finally, there is Scientology which has its hand in a lot of the education for alternative opinion.
These are just the few things I've rattled off my head. But, again, I come to this area as someone who is not vested in any particular approach or solution. Yet, the complexity, inherent confusion, and conflicts that comprise the whole of this sector do not suggest there will be an answer any time soon for those grappling with true mental health reform.
My Mission, Should I Choose to Accept It...
I've been working for a long time in my industry keeping my "sleeper freak" past hidden away. Of course, there are a number of people who know my history, and it's impossible to tell how this has hindered me in the past. But, net, net most of my business contacts and friends have not judged me any differently. And to the few with whom I've recently begun to talk about this, I've only received warm support.
I'm starting to realize that my most valuable contribution to educating people about the massive changes afoot in mental health reform is to continue to keep working in my industry. Rather than abandon the rich network of friends, contacts, and business relationships I have in my business life, I should continue to work in my field and disclose my history.
In this way, I can be an ambassador to the "normals," and gently begin to discuss this topic openly, but with compassion and the authority that comes from first-hand experience. I can continue to help the reform community in many ways, but if I stay gainfully employed in my industry, I will be able to volunteer regularly in the evenings and on weekends. I already devote an inordinate amount of personal time to this pursuit, and I don't see it conflicting with my day job.
This choice is probably the best of both worlds.
For instance, I had a brief conversation with a lifelong friend who has been labeled bipolar, and currently is on a combination of psychotropic drugs. This friend of mine has a very, very good job in a creative field. He's brilliant, an artist, and a musician. To hear him quote the rhetoric he's been programmed to believe: he has a chemical imbalance; he needs these drugs to function normally; etc., just made me sad. Now, like most moderates that work toward reform in this area, I believe medicine is a personal choice. What I object to is the manipulation of the system, preventing individuals and their loved ones to make an informed decision about choices in treatment.
The most popular social networks: Twitter, Facebook, and now Google + for the tech community, is making it very managable to filter your conversations by topic and audience. I'm even considering retaining this identity (Mad SkillzATX) for all conversations related to mental health reform, but disclosing both identities to both communities. I'm still undecided on that one, but I feel good about the progress I'm making.
What Kind of Fakery is This?
In my small tech world of social media, a popular social media personality took his life this weekend. The social media tribe is abuzz with condolences and self-reflection. My only hope is it will open the door to a more frank discussion about who we really are.
Until the next event that captures our ADDiction fancy.
Asylums as Art
On the other hand, looking at the few sample photos available on the web, I become gripped with fear and a profound tragic sadness that is nearly inexplicable. There is an omnipresent acquifer of pain that lays just beneath the surface for me. I do my best to keep those waters still, but when I am catapulted back to that time and place, I can't deny those feelings.
I am weighing buying the book, but so far have been able to talk myself out of it. Undoubtedly, my state institution is in it. Why would I voluntarily go back there?... if even in pictures.
Come hell. (Bring it.)
A confluence of factors are leading me toward raising my pen-as-sword and starting to work on mental health reform. Of course, I have to support myself and my kids still, but I can scale back the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed.
I have many, many "social network" friends around the world. My guess is a good percentage of them will be supportive of my so-called coming out and choice to dedicate my professional skills toward helping this growing peer support movement.
Understandably, I will commit career suicide to some percentage of my professional relationships with this move, mais c'est la guerre, n'est-ce pas? In other words, if my friends don't like me MORE for this move, then they were not friends at all and I can afford to lose them.
I have been hinting to a few industry friends that I've been working on something in the background. I've even shared this secret identity with a few close friends, and one person in the media that I trust. I haven't figured out exactly how I will make a general announcement about my new career pivot, but once I get that figured out, I will be able to merge my identities.
It will feel really good to be the whole me. Even if I'm alone in this. I'm ready.
This is why
This is why we fight
Why we lie awake
This is why
This is why we fight
- Decemberists
Depakote and my New Look
